11.10.2016

That Time I Was (Almost) An Internet Troll



Last week I started my series on Internet Trolls, an issue bloggers/vloggers/online writers face. I kicked off the series with How to Deal With Internet Trolls. Trolls are cowards who criticize via hiding behind their keyboard. They want to hurt feelings and cause distress. Well, today I want to share the story of how I was almost one of those people.

There used to be a time where I read blogs for fun. I didn't comment on them, I just read them for the simple enjoyment of their content. This was before I had this blog, so maybe 7 or 8 years ago was when this occurred. And just like now, I read ALL types of blogs: beauty, fashion, style, home improvement, lifestyle, running, cooking, crafting, and mommy blogs, just to name a few, even though not all of those topics are interests of mine.

There was one mommy blog I loved and was the first on my list to read in the morning--I'll keep the details here vague just in case she still blogs. She had between two and ten kids, we'll say, and lived in a large city. She was gorgeous and her kids were too. She posted about the funny things they did, how she homeschooled them all, the delicious meals she made. Everything was organic and fresh and lovely. She posted the crafty things she made. She shared her home and how she restored it. She was pregnant with her next child while doing all of this. She was glowing and never looked exhausted. Her nails, makeup, and hair were always done. She made me feel like I knew her and the kids. She had the perfect life. She was perfect.

One summer, I visited a friend in another state. It was also the state of this blogger, and other bloggers that I read. That's pretty common now--whenever I travel I think, "Oh, so-n-so lives here!" Do you do that? Anyway, during the time I was visiting, my friend had to go into work really early, so I agreed to walk her dog. Walking her dog at this way-too-early hour, I was looking around the neighborhood, absorbing it all in. I had been going through a rough time and being in a new area was doing my heart some good.

And then I saw her. It was kind of like when you see a celebrity out and about. As much as they try to blend in, it's always jarring to me and I can immediately spot them. I couldn't believe it! This blogger that I had read for a year or so, was right here on a porch! What were the odds? I admit I have this strange luck for finding myself alone next to celebs (or people I consider famous like her) like in an elevator, bathroom, the aisle of Walmart---it's crazy!

I recognized her immediately--her dress (she had done a post recently on maternity wear and this dress was in that post), that gorgeous long hair, and her belly. She was standing up, leaning against the side of the door. Maybe she was listening out for the kids, although it was too early for them to be up, or for the timer to go off on a delicious breakfast she was making.

But what struck me was the glowing small stick between her fingers. And the puff of smoke. At first I thought it was a magic trick, like a prop, or something. Then it hit me--this pregnant woman was smoking. My face got hot. I immediately turned around with the dog. I felt like I had seen something I wasn't supposed to, like when you're a kid. But we made eye contact. She looked horrified, threw the cig down and rushed inside. I had no doubt it was her. My heart fell.

This woman I had admired, whose life I loved reading about, was doing something that wasn't healthy. After the shock wore off, the disbelief, the sadness of what I had seen, I became angry. Oh, just you wait until I get back to my friend's house! I was going to expose her on her blog. What a fake! I plotted my words the entire walk back. I don't remember if the dog did her business, because I was so mad. It wasn't fair! I didn't have kids or the life she had. Here she was lying to all of us, with her organic food, and nothing artificial! And just puffing away.

It seemed like forever until my friend's old computer booted up. I was really mad now! This was before there were horrible sites dedicated to saying mean things about those online. While I have never visited those types of places, I know I would have in that moment. Why was this woman making money online as a mommy blogger when she wasn't a good (in my eyes) Mommy? It wasn't fair!

Should I write an email to her? No. Then she would know who I was. She had seen my face and what if she figured out it was me? No, I was going to leave a comment. I typed in her blog and scrolled down to the comment section of her latest post. I angrily typed out what a fake she was, how she was hurting her baby, her kids, how she wasn't a good role model, how she was making money but was a liar. She was smoking while pregnant. She lied to us all. The comment was going to be left anonymously, of course.

But luckily my English degree-self did what I always did after writing: I let the writing cool off. I needed to step away at the computer and look at it with fresh eyes. There might be typos, or things I needed to add. I decided to make myself some coffee to calm myself down. I had never had coffee at this point in my life and had no idea what I was doing. It tasted awful, but it kind of woke me up. Here's what I thought:


  • If I left the comment, she would see it and probably delete it. 
  • If she left the comment up, her readers would defend her furiously in the comments. It's not like I had proof, just what I had seen. 
It was a no-win situation. What would I truly gain from this? I wouldn't get the feeling I wanted out of it. I decided to delete the whole thing. I decided to not visit her blog anymore, partly because it hurt and I think subconsciously out of guilt, like she would find out who I was or something via my IP address and find me. It is not my business how someone lives her life. None. Who am I to judge? I'm not perfect--especially as I am writing this at 2 am making the healthiest choice of eating gummy bears. But they're organic! ;) That evil person wasn't me.

That was years ago, but I have remembered just to leave. Just like with that blog. Some famous Youtubers would get me so frustrated watching them because they would have no idea how to even pronounce a product but there they were, bashing it because they didn't know how to use it. Or getting paid tons for a product that was awful. Some people I think are famous just because they are beautiful. So when I feel that way, I just stop watching. To this day (really because I'm busy) I don't watch any Youtube accounts, other than ones from blogger friends.

I have never (knowingly) left a rude comment. I don't want to be that negative person trying to bring others down to make myself feel better. Now that I am a blogger, I am thrust into this unwanted competition with others. I have seen other bloggers get opportunities that I wanted, and sometimes, it's completely unfair. I have learned to say, good for her. Blowing out someone else's candle isn't going to make mine shine any brighter. Just because I didn't get that opportunity doesn't mean I won't ever get one. This isn't a competition. As bloggers, we relate to each other in ways no one else understands. There's room for all of us. And I hope we all make it.

Have you ever wanted (or did) to leave a rude comment?
How do you handle those situations where you get angry/disappointed/etc?


Extra Elle:
Thank you for reading this lengthy post! While this situation happened nearly 8 years ago, I wanted to share it because I've grown since that moment. I wanted to be honest and share a moment I wasn't proud of but think I resolved correctly. Thanks for reading.

54 comments:

  1. I have never left a rude comment, but I sure have thought about it! My background is communications too, so I always proofread my posts and "let the writing cool off" just like you said. I watch certain YouTubers who I am shocked get the opportunities they do. They barely even use all these incredible products they get! But like you said, I can just leave. I don't have to give them my support.

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  2. Wow, that's so funny and crazy that you happened to see her and in that moment too! I haven't left a rude comment because I know how easy it is to fall into a wormhole of reply, reply, defend, defend. You did the right thing and it's your choice to leave and not have to deal with the other person again.

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  3. I appreciate your honesty in sharing this Elle! I'm sure we've all been there, when someone we admire and hold up on a pedestal does something that disappoints us. I think our first instinct is to call them out, but good for you for taking a breather and knowing that it won't do any good. I bet that was hard to see though!!

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  4. I'm so glad that you made that decision! It wouldn't have changed her at all (apparently she knew it was bad and ashamed or she wouldn't have reacted that way). Sometimes it's best to write down your thoughts then hit DELETE ;)

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  5. I'm glad you didn't end up doing something that you would regret later. I feel the same way. I don't leave mean comments. If I disagree with someone to a point where I don't think I have anything nice to say to them, I'll just unfollow. I was trolled on Twitter yesterday regarding the election, and I just immediately blocked the person and moved on. It's just easier that way!

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  6. You know it's kinda funny you mention the issue about some of the you tubers because not too long ago I remember the Internet seemed heated about some you tubers being sent the Selena Collection and some of the gurus didn't know who she was. I saw so many rude and nasty comments about it. I really don't leave mean and rude comments. Before I do that I'll block someone and keep it moving!

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  7. I love this trolls series, I think it is great to talk about it and listen to others experiences! I have been in a similar situation to this and can understand how frustrated you were! It shows who you really are deleting what you had wrote, sometimes anger can get the better of us, and it is always better to be the bigger person! I really admire you for that. I always think... why waste your time on someone you don't believe in as a person, simply unfollow and don't let them ruin your day! A great post Elle xx

    Zoe Mountford x

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  8. Ha, I've never left a rude comment, but I have no problem politely pointing out when someone is wrong. I've even written three response blogs before to terrible terrible blog posts I've come across.

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  9. I've never left a rude comment, but I did have a very similar situation happen that you had happen with a blogger who lived in the same town as I did. The picture she painted online was of lots of wealth, leisure, perfection, etc. The reality was very, very different. I did what you did, it made me angry and I just stopped following at all. I'd see her occasionally out and about at Target or grocery store, with her perpetual real life scowl and I'd be glad I stopped buying into the smoke and mirrors.

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  10. I've had the same situation as Jennifer above with a blogger in my town.... what is presented is so different than what truly is... I've not wanted to leave rude comments but perhaps passive aggressive comments. I haven't however and have practiced what you did. Love this series.

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  11. I've never left a rude comment, I've rolled my eyes a bunch and exited.. glad you didn't go through with it, although I would have felt the same!!

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  12. Wow good for you for keeping your composure and not leaving the comment. What are the chances that you would see that? So crazy!

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  13. It's amazing how much people portray themselves a certain way, and lead a completely different life sometimes. I love how positive our blog community is for the most part, and have never contributed negativity by leaving rude comments. If I am totally over that blogger's fakeness or something I just simply stop reading. Love seeing all the positivity around here lately in light of recent events <3
    Green Fashionista

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  14. Good for you for not commenting on her blog and doing the right thing and just choosing not to follow her. I also think that social media and blogging can sometimes portray people in a brighter than normal light. Not that it's a good or bad thing, but not everything necessarily translates over to a blog or an instagram post.

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  15. Letting yourself cool off is always a good bet to let a calmer mind prevail. The dichotomy of how bloggers online vs. real life is always interesting to me but I'm with you on walking away from negativity.

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  16. Over the past 10 years I've had the good fortune to meet a lot of bloggers IRL...but not all of them have been as they portray themselves. Some are downright mean and gather just to gossip and say hateful things about other bloggers. It's so tough because I'm honest and genuine but see these people getting big with the help of the same bloggers they belittle. I wanted so bad to tell these bloggers they were being talked about but never did. Like you said, they probably wouldn't believe me. Now I just steer clear of anyone who may cause drama so I don't have to get so angry at the lies lol!

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  17. Oh wow, what a crazy story. I can't believe you spotted her that day. I would have been so shocked too!

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  18. whoa girl! This is crazy. Glad you cooled down. I got the meanest/rudest/uncalled for message via IG the other week. I mean the things that were said just made my jaw drop. I SO WANTED to share the screenshot I took. Ugh. I didn't. I rose up to be a better person, but it was (and still is) tempting.

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  19. Even when I want to write a rude comment, I dont... because I know it would hurt me so much if someone did to me. I think people need to learn to step away more often. Not every opinion NEEDS to be heard. you can have it, but you dont need to share it.
    Good for you for cooling off.
    & you are so right. All the candles can shine brightly in this world :)

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  20. That was great of you not to leave the rude comment on her blog. I have never left a rude comment on any type of social media.

    http://www.amysfashionblog.com/blog-home/

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  21. i am really glad you did not leave that comment because you are right, its a no win situation....i also believe that if anyone engages in neg energy even if they are right it comes back to them... so im happy you didnt hun and no i have never left a neg comment like that :) xx

    www.fashionjazz.co.za

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  22. I think we've all had those spur of the moment judgy rampages where we feel we need to rain on somebody else's parade. And you're absolutely right there's no win in it. Thanks for your honesty here!

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  23. Good for you!! I would have been seriously heated in that moment, too, and want to "expose" her. But really, the best thing to do is just leave her be and walk away, or rather stop reading. The thing that kills me about those nasty sites or nasty comments - why waste your time with it? There are so many other things you can focus your time on and be happy about.

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  24. Oh man, I would have been like you...wanting to expose that she isn't as perfect as she let's on and who in the world smokes while pregnant?!??! But I would have probably calmed down some too and figure it probably isn't my place to say anything nasty. I have never left an ugly or nasty comment on a blog and I never intend to. I think we all have moments now and then when we want to know, right??

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  25. You are such a kind person, Elle. That is so horrifying what that woman was doing. Since it was super early hopefully it was just a one time thing (it seems like she was sneaking behind everyone's back). I guess the truth is there is a lot that gets left out of social media...but that would be super shocking!

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  26. I am a firm believer you can find positive in anything, from a life situation or an outfit you don't like. And that is what I try to do. If you put positive into the world, you get positive out. It certainly isn't easy and there are definitely times I need to take a step back, but I feel so much better keeping my glass half full! :)

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  27. I think it's a good tip: when you're angry, take a step back and don't leave a comment/text/tweet what is going through your head. Always wait and think about what you really to say and why first. Many years ago I was active on a beauty forum and I came to regret some of the things I posted when the conversation got heated. I wouldn't do such a thing nowadays.

    Beaumiroir

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  28. Wow! I can't believe you ran into her and then to catch her smoking while pregnant...! Eeek. In Europe, they do say, if you're a smoker to not quit cold turkey as its quite stressful to you and the baby, so they "allow" a cigarette a day or a week. Or something like that, but... Hmm. If you have that many kids, then really, you shouldn't be smoking...! But no, I won't leave negative comments - its really not necessary. Just don't say anything if nothing nice can be said...! Thanks for sharing this story!

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  29. I think we've all been there. I prefer to just stay on my own path and do what makes me happy while letting others decide what's right for them. The way I see it, if someone is a fake eventually the truth will come out. It always does!

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  30. Thank you for sharing your story. I can't believe you ran into her! I would have been shocked too but you did the right thing by deleting the comment. Sometimes just writing things down and then deleting helps get it out of your system and helps make you feel better.

    Jill
    Doused In Pink

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  31. Great point and you are so right !!! X

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  32. I loved your post and I do like you, too, thinking "oh, this and this live here!" Sometimes I arrange meetings, sometimes it's holiday season and people are in a hurry, I don't feel offended not to meet someone. That is just to tell you that I also do that - "she lives here" :) I totally understand about the blogger and glad you didn't leave the comment. She was pregnant. And smoking. And advertising organic meals. But well, we are not perfect. True, it was not nice, it impacts on her baby's health. But what can we do! I am so glad that I till today only received nice comments, apart from one blogger who was so competitive that everything I posted, she commented something kind of bad, but in a more "veiled way". But I knew what she meant, in a bad way. Then thankfully, little by little I could avoid her. Some sometimes say something that can "hurt" me a little, but then I think it can be my sensitiveness, maybe. Well, I think you are right, some people don't even know how to write or pronounce things, but well, they can learn, I hope. And blogging is really unwanted competition, we want to interact, but others see it like a war! I am really glad you didn't leave the comment! If it helped, good, but I think she would go on smoking.
    DenisesPlanet.com

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  33. Wow this was an intense read. I know there are lots of people who are very different in real life and put up a charade. It's good that you got a chance to cool off.
    Simera|Beautetude

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  34. This is such a great lesson. I always vent my frustrations through writing. Often it is in the form of an email that later gets deleted. I find that the act of writing not only helps me communicate what is really wrong, but it just helps me clear my head. I would venture to guess that 90% of bloggers are not living the lives that they post about. Just look at Facebook. No one is posting that their child was diagnosed with a learning disability, but they will post their vacations all the live long day. It really is frustrating especially if you know the truth. Great post Elle!
    xo, Whitney and Blaire
    Peaches In A Pod

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  35. I think this is a great post, and I could not agree more. Just leave it is a good motto. The truth is, there will always be people we don't agree with and those who do not agree with us, but that is no reason to say unkind things. I have had a few comments myself, and it is always a good reminder not to do it to others. We have a choice!

    Amy Ann
    Straight A Style

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  36. I've never left a rude comment either. I think you did the right thing, honestly. Great post!

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  37. Thanks for sharing this story! I have thought about leaving a rude comment but haven't because I wouldn't want someone doing that to me. I love you quote about blowing someone's candle out won't make yours any brighter. Couldn't agree more!

    http://www.kathrineeldridge.com

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  38. Love your post!!
    xx
    Mónica Sors
    MES VOYAGES À PARIS
    NEW POST: MINIMAL AND COZY STYLE
    DON'T MISS: ROOM BREAKFAST IN PARIS...

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  39. I think that everyone has craving time to leave a bad comment, but I try not to write anything bad. When I can see posts about fairy tale life of the model I know that she is not telling all true. I was working for celebrities and their life is not perfect ;-)

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  40. Wow! I can't believe you actually ran into her...and what a liar she was.

    I've never left a mean comment. But I've had people leave me a few horrible comments and some that were passive aggressive. I think the passive aggressive comments annoy me the most though. Most of the time the ones that leave ugly comments don't know me at all and just came across my channel. Whereas the passive aggressive ones are usually from people who frequent.

    Oh well. Can't please everyone.

    Loving this series, Elle!
    xo, Lily
    Beauty With Lily

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  41. Wow this blog post makes compelling reading Elle. You write very eloquently, and this post certainly makes your point with elegance, while being totally hilarious too. It must have been very surreal seeing your idol in real life, only to be disappointed. I understand your initial reaction, and the disapproval and sense of unfairness. But you definitely did the right thing taking the higher ground, and realising it wouldn't make you feel better to 'out' her online.

    I haven't left a bad comment before on anyone's blog. Sometimes I haven't agreed with some of the sentiments expressed, but in that case I just leave the blog and avoid getting wound up about it.

    Thank you for your honesty. It's really refreshing!

    Love Saba xx

    www.trulymadlydeeplyfashion.blogspot.com

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  42. Good for you! I admit I probably would not have the self control to step back and think, and may instinctively reacted right away if I were that angry. (Though I may revisit to delete, nonetheless the comment would have been posted). I don't think I ever left a bad comment on a blog though - sometimes we need a reminder to stay positive and move on!

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  43. I can totally see how you would have wanted to call her out, but way to go on stopping yourself!! I haven't left a negative comment on someones post - I don't believe in spreading anything negative out there especially when there is so much out there already - you know what I mean. I think Lily said it nicely - you can't please everyone!

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  44. I love this trolls series, Elle. First of all, it's really weird how even when there's so much out there in terms of social media, you really only get to see what they want you to see, you know? I mean, even with me...have been blogging for ages but I think I only reveal about 40% of what's going on in my life.
    Anyhoo, I would've felt the same way you did, but it's good you decided to calm down first. I've only left one negative comment once on YouTube and with my own account. A band did a vid that really bothered me (can't remember which one now), and oh man! You should've seen all the hate mails and threats I got!

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  45. Great series, Elle! I feel the same way about leaving rude comments. I'm a firm believer in "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all".

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  46. Oh, yes, there are times I'm angry and want to leave a nasty comment, but what would that gain? Nothing. Love this post!

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  47. Wow! How crazy that you spotted a blogger you followed! It can be hard to not be judgmental or get angry when someone does something wrong, but I think you made the right call. You never know, maybe something really upsetting happened to her that morning and she needed that cigarette and it was the first one she'd had in months. Who knows? Fascinating story!!
    ~Sara

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  48. Very honest Elle! I never ever leave rude comments or criticise on blogs because I believe that if you have something nice to say then say it, but if not then it's better to keep quiet. I'm very much the same in my offline life too. But not completely as it's different when you can see someone face to face. X

    ♥ Carly Susanne - A Beauty & Lifestyle Blog

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  49. I cannot bring myself to ever leave a rude comment. I know I hate reading them, and I never want to put myself in a position where I'm spreading anything my positive vibes. I want to make people smile. There's nothing that makes me happier. Seeing that "perfect" woman smoking while pregnant should assure you that she's far from it. In fact, when people try to make their lives look perfect, they are far from it. They are the most messed up people around. (;

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  50. I'm glad that you became the bigger person and decided to not post the comment, we all have said something that we regretted at the heat of the moment. There are so many fakers out there and it's up to us to continue supporting them or not.

    Shireen | Reflection of Sanity

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  51. I've never left a rude comment that I'm aware of... like you I just stop reading the blog and move on. I do understand how you felt, it's so good that you were the bigger person :-) xox

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  52. thank you for sharing Elle! good for you for walking away. i am really glad i didn't have access to the internet when i was younger because i was a very mean person, thinking that being negative and bringing people down would make me feel better. thankfully, i grew up and realised it never helps and it never makes me feel good about myself. i can only imagine the horrible things i would have said as a teenager. oy. but now, i'm with you. i just leave, i move on. sometimes the blogger/post gets on my nerves so much that i can't respect or like them as a person anymore, and sometimes i can just ignore the post and come back for the next one. just depends. i also try and not let blunt snippy comments hurt my feelings, people don't realise they are being rude when they say certain things i think. so i just ignore them :)

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  53. I love what you shared, and that you shared it. I think we've all wanted to express ourselves during a moment of anger and luckily held back knowing it wouldn't resolve the feeling. I've never left a mean comment, even if I've seen something I disliked. I've certainly wanted to - but like you, I've stopped myself and realized it's not worth it. I only had 1 negative comment left on my blog back when I blogged and the person was angry with me for reviewing a lipstick and claiming it wasn't full coverage when, to her belief, it was. She'd mistakenly thought I'd reviewed the full coverage version of a glossy balm when in fact it was the sheer version. I wasn't wrong - the product wasn't supposed to be opaque and I was just stating a fact - and she misread the product name and decided to take me to task....anonymously. Of course. It ticked me off that she'd taken he time to leave a nasty note but hadn't bothered to take the time to read the product name, but in the end, I just deleted it and moved on. Chances were high she was just having a bad day or a bad moment and felt like venting on my blog would make her feel better. I always think a good rule of thumb is "will this matter in an hour? A day? A month?" Probably not. Also, anything you can't sign your name to is probably not something you're proud of so you shouldn't do anything anonymously.
    Thank you again for sharing! I always love your real talk posts!
    Much love! ❤︎

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