I Was Told Not To Post This, But I Am Anyway

I have depression.
I think I've typed and erased this sentence around 20 times.
I even made a video about it. I erased that too.
I was talking to my friend about this post. She said not to post it. Stop being a Debbie Downer.

I'm posting it anyway.

I have depression. But I'm getting through it.

That's such a huge relief, a weight to finally get by typing those words. But the words themselves have such weight to them that so many throw around casually with any sort of mental illness (see "I totally have OCD because my shoes have to be in order." Or "They messed up my Starbucks order. I was SO depressed for the rest of the day." And so on).

So I didn't want to really admit the heaviness of the word "depression" unless I was absolutely sure. I didn't want to belittle it, especially for those who are suffering from it far worse than I am.
I'm sure now.

I also felt shame because there's such a stigma to depression. There's a stigma of any mental illness, isn't there? It means you're weird. Not normal. Something is wrong with you--you're crazy.

I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want to appear weak. I didn't want to even admit I had it. I didn't want anyone to worry. I've always been the strong one, the one people rely on. That means I couldn't possibly be depressed, right?

Severe depression, to me, was due to by some tragic event. Nothing tragic had happened to me in a few years, so I couldn't be depressed, right? I was wrong and in denial.

Depression to me was a tv commercial of a woman confined to her bed, in the dark, and crying all day. That couldn't be me. I went to work every day, right? I couldn't be depressed.

And then I realized for the past year I've been sending out a sort of decent facsimile of myself. She got dressed, went to work, ate, and even blogged sometimes.

But then things stopped happening. I went to work every day, sure, but instead of giving 110%, I started giving 90%. I showered every day but wore wrinkled clothes, no makeup, hair in a bun, no polished nails, and no skincare, save for testing for a sponsored post. You might be laughing, but for a beauty blogger, that's kind of my life.

Speaking of the blog, I kind of gave up that love of mine. I went from posting 5 days a week for 7 years to only two or three times. I gave up visiting blogs, on social media. I stopped answering emails and they began to pile up from a few hundred to thousands. I missed deadlines. I started forgetting things, commitments. No one noticed. No one cared.

It began to take all of my energy to do ANYTHING. Anything. I was tired all of the time, but couldn't sleep. Just breathing was heavy. I felt alone.

The one day it hit me: this is depression. This is affecting my life. I need to not feel this way.

I thought about everything that got me here: having a period for three months, the constant sickness of the flu and pneumonia, the defeat of wanting to move for a job opp that didn't work out but yet I was sad about leaving the city I love, the watching my blog crumble, the sadness of my current job ending, and more...of these things are small but they built up and weighed on me over time. I developed horrible anxiety, which I've talked about before.

It was that realization that sort of brought me out of the fog I had been living in for nearly a year. I allowed myself to feel the way I was and not feel shame, but to accept it. And know that it wasn't always going to be like this.

Now, this didn't happen over night--there's no magic trick here. It's been a gradual thing. I gave myself small goals: get out of bed. Shower. Eat. These things took all of my energy. They took hours to do. And slowly I began to add more things. I talked to others. I could feel moments where I felt like myself again.

I'm still shaking the cloak of depression off of me. I'm not 100% me just yet, but if you could see how far I've come! How close to "me" I am now. I can see her! There are still times when I feel overwhelmed or defeated. Then I realize how far I've come. And I know this can happen again. But I won't allow it to win or defeat me. I will win.


Dupe? Jeffree Star Velour Liquid Lipstick in Rose Matter Vs. Rimmel Stay Matte in Pink Bliss

And here we are sailing right on through to August. I'm in complete denial. As much as I love fall (it's the best season, end of discussion) I find myself clinging to summer. Maybe because it flew by?

So how's life? I plan on doing a huge post next week on this, but I am feeling much better, perhaps the best I've felt all year. I have been getting back into the swing of things, but just haven't been able to post as much as I want. But I always have time for beauty dupes!

Most of my dupes are from me looking through my collection. Some are suggestions. But today is a happy accident. I love when that happens. I am comparing two matte liquid lipsticks to see if I've got a dupe: Jeffree Star Velour Liquid Lipstick vs. Rimmel Stay Matte.

I really love this color--a neutral coral is how it's been described. It's an easy shade to wear for me. But one is $18 and one is $5. Let's see if we have a dupe here!


.19 oz

Root Beer float scent


.21 oz

Synthetic candy scent, kind of like Kylie Lip Kits

Now let's get into swatches:

Jeffree Star is on top, Rimmel is under it, and then there is a half swatch of each next to each other.

Lip swatch--half on my lip (top and bottom) on your left is Pink Bliss. Half on my lips (top and bottom) of your right is Rose Matter.

It's really hard to tell, isn't it? I will say that the Rimmel is patchy and required more product and came off a bit easier. Both lasted the same on average. Sometimes JS would wear longer. And JS was harder to get off my lips at the end of the day. I'd call these a dupe, so at the end of the day, it depends on ingredients preference and cost.

Would you call this a dupe?


Sister Chat

This post is brought to you by Rogaine. All opinions are my own.

Of all the roles I play in my life: nanny, blogger, dog mom, or daughter, one of my favorite roles is being a big sister. From the moment my little sister Holly (she will always be my lil sis even though she is way taller than me) was born I had hoped we would be close, and that has definitely been true. As different as we can be, we always have fun together, usually with bellyaching laughs occurring throughout. I've always felt like we can tell each other anything. I love her and what kind of a big sister would I be if I wasn’t concerned with her future?

She'll always be my little sister

In the video below, we had a sister chat and talked about our family and the hereditary traits we share--our hair is naturally wavy and we have freckles--Holly calls them Angel Kisses. Some of the traits aren't as fun--our family goes grey in our twenties, we have a long history of skin cancer, and we have hereditary hair loss. As her older sister, I want Holly to avoid the mistakes I've made and to know there are options out there to get ahead of the qualities we don’t love. Luckily, we can do things about those hereditary issues, like dying the grey away if we choose (hello, me!), sunscreen all the time (I am constantly getting onto Holly to do this), and Women’s Rogaine for hereditary hair loss.

Did you know that more than one in four will experience hereditary hair loss? And it can begin in the 20s, which is the decade Holly is in (source: 2014 Gallup). I am a huge fan of Women's Rogaine to get ahead of this. It reactivates the hair follicles to stimulate regrowth. And it works.

This hair growth treatment is clinically proven to regrow 25% more hair with new hairs growing in up to 48% thicker than before.

Women’s ROGAINE 5% Minoxidil Topical Aerosol is the first FDA-approved once daily treatment. It turns out, Women’s ROGAINE Foam is super easy to fit into your daily beauty regimen. Just apply the foam once a day. You can get more application details here. Your hair won't get greasy or weighed down.

It works right alongside your regular beauty products--I really liked knowing that you don't have to change your routine, or change all of your products, just add an easy and fast step. If you have color treated hair, you can use this! You can use it morning or night. And if used daily, results should start in 12 weeks.

Since Holly has expressed concern about that hair loss, she will be using the Women’s Rogaine, and will update on here in a couple of months. I can’t wait to share her progress!

What hereditary traits do you love about your family?

Does your family have hereditary hair loss?


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All pics, thoughts, etc, are mine unless otherwise noted. Publishing or redistributing any content from this blog is strictly prohibited. Please seek permission first. Thank you.

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