4.07.2015

On What Happens When Your Dad Dies: A Guide

Dear Elle,

Hey you. This is your future self here--actually yourself one month from now. You just got off the phone with Daddy. You just found out he has cancer, that he has six months to live, but Elle, he is going to pass away within one week. That phone call will be your last conversation with him. In fact, he is going to pass away two hours from when you arrive.

I'm writing this letter to give you a guide on what happens when your dad dies, because I wish I had one.

First, when you walk in to see him, with coffee and a stack of magazines in your bag ready to take care of him, you'll be scared. He will look sort of like Daddy--you'll see the familiar tattoos, including the one bearing your name, but he won't be the man you've known for 38 years. You'll tell him you're here, you'll squeeze his hand, waiting for him to wake up and say, "Hey baby, it will be okay," like how it happens in the movies. But he won't. You'll sit by him, listening to him breathe, but you'll be scared to touch him.

Suddenly, he will die. It won't be one last breath like in the movies either, but will happen for several minutes. It will be weird because you've never seen anyone die, because this man looks like a stranger--not like Daddy, and because you can't believe it. You just got here two hours ago--it will feel like you've been there just a few minutes. You found out he had cancer a week ago. He said it was no big thing. Hey baby, it will be okay, he said on the phone last week.

If there's one thing I wish I could re-do, it's that wish I would have left the room. The image of him dying will haunt you sometimes, like when you can't sleep at night, while you're sitting in traffic, when you're alone. I won't describe it here.

But you won't leave, and that's okay. You will not be scared of him anymore and will squeeze his hand, memorizing every part of his face, his tattoos. And secretly jealous because he still had jet black hair, with no grey...something you definitely did not inherit.

Since he wasn't married, and you are the oldest, decisions will be made and papers will be signed--things you didn't expect to have to deal with for another 20 years. You will still be in denial that this is happening. He didn't look like he was sick the last time you saw him. Parents die when they're old, grey, and he was neither at 59. He was the most intelligent, energetic, full of life person you knew. Everyone loved him. He could make anything sound fun, like the most awesome adventure was about to happen.

You'll feel weird, numb, in a daze, and alone sometimes, but you will remember you have two siblings who are going through this too. Hey baby, it will be okay.

You will have trouble falling asleep and/or staying asleep. This will get better, but one month in, I can tell you it's still a struggle sometimes. Every Saturday you will look up and realize it's 3pm, the day and time when he died. I can tell you a month later I am still waiting on Saturdays to be just Saturdays, not his death day. It hasn't happened yet.

Seeing dads with kids will make you cry. You will want to shake them, tell them not to take it for granted, to really remember the moments. You want everyone you know who has a strained relationship with their dad to fix it.

Since you weren't prepared for this, you will have to buy clothes for his visitation. You are definitely not the first person to lose a dad, but you'll feel like it--like you're wearing a sign advertising this new identity. I suggest packing some clothes, because going out in public in a small town is cause for anxiety.  You will be recognized and greeted with "sad smiles," where someone is smiling at you, saying they are sorry for your loss, but there will be sadness in their eyes. It's suffocating. You'll grab the first skirt you see (an unfortunate ensemble) and get out of there. Hey baby, it will be okay.

At his service, people will say weird things like--
"You look so pretty."--This freaks you out because this isn't something you are told in person and not by these people.
"Why aintcha married honey?"--Forget my multiple degrees and the fact I've traveled all over the world, have been published, etc. 
"Well, you never had kids...there might be a little time left."--Ha!
"Why in the world would you leave here and move to that Atlanta?"--Um...

You have never once been around your uncles, your cousin, or brother without Daddy being there. It will freak you out when they enter a room or talk, because you'll swear you see him or hear him, convinced his absence means that he's just outside having a smoke. You will look for him in crowds. A month later his number will still be in your phone. You will think you have this grief thing down and then it will hit you like it's all brand new. Your brother's mom said that God only gives us grief in pieces, because our heart couldn't handle it all at once. She is so right.

You will have a million questions that will never get answered. A million things you wanted to say, stories you wanted to hear again, especially just to hear his laughter, his voice. Memories you wanted to make.

You are well-known for not being a crier in public. You're the one that holds it all together, making everyone else feel calm and letting them cry on your shoulder. Anger, sadness, confusion, defeat will be part of your daily, sometimes, hourly emotions. Let it out. Let it all out. Cry whenever you want to. As Ashley said: this isn't a time to be strong. NO ONE decides how you grieve or how long you grieve but you.  Hey baby, it will be okay.

You'll be surprised at your impatience and aggravation with people, since you're usually easygoing like Daddy was. People will want you to get over it and be "you" again. People will complain about their lives--stupid, silly things that "ruined" their day, like their coffee order being wrong. My Dad died, you have nothing to complain about, you will want to yell at them. Take a deep breath. This feeling will pass. Hey baby, it will be okay.

People you never would have counted on will surprise you in many ways.
Friends you thought that would be there for you, won't be.

They'll say things like:
"At least he didn't suffer."
"At least you got to tell him goodbye."
"At least he wasn't murdered."
"I didn't think you would take it this hard."

None of these things are helpful. But your cousin Matt will tell you regardless of whether it was quick or was a slow ordeal, death is death. It feels the same no matter how it happens. And in that moment, you know you will get through this.

Everyone will tell you how Daddy has "spoken" to them or given them a sign he's in Heaven. You'll feel left out because it hasn't happened to you. Trust me, you will get your sign. I won't tell you, but you will know and will have many of them. Hey baby, it will be okay.

You will remember there is something, just a little something, in every day that is good. There is. Because one day very soon you'll laugh again. The biggest, most hearty laugh! You'll have an impromptu dance party in your kitchen (it will be to a Prince song, btw). You'll realize what is happening and you'll smile. You'll be able to look at his pictures and not cry--okay, I admit that still happens sometimes, but for the most part you won't cry. You'll feel more like the old you.

And when you miss Daddy the most, look at your eyes. You got so many of the best parts of him, you know. Look at those blue-green eyes that look just like his and he'll be there--all the good memories and the laughter and the smiles. It will all be there. And he will tell you, "Hey baby. It will be okay."

My Daddy collected treasures, like Native American arrowheads.
I'm convinced the quote above is one of the reasons why.

67 comments:

  1. Elle... this was so touching and so full of emotion. I ran the gamut of emotions... It reminded me of when I lost my grandmother suddenly... I found her in her home, it's been 20 years and some days it feels like yesterday but you are right Elle, it got easier and I learned to deal with it...memories come from time to time.

    That idea that Heavenly Father gives us grief in stages because if he didn't we wouldn't be able to handle it resonated with me. Grief is different for everyone and we all need to take our time and deal with it in our own way.

    Thank you for writing this, my daughter gave birth to her 2nd child yesterday, I'm so happy but I cried at one point to realize there were people I wanted to share this with and I couldn't...

    Hugs to you... I pray it gets easier with time xox

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  2. I am truly sorry for your loss. I suppose one never knows exactly what to say in moments like this. I hope putting it all out here has helped a little to deal with the pain and the absence. And time will take care of the rest. Big hug <3

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  3. Elle, I'm THIS close to tears right now, you wrote this so beautifully, I had a lump in my throat the entire time. You are such a strong woman, and I think that writing this, will help so many people who have gone through the same thing. I really respect you Elle, and I wish nothing but the best for you. I can't right anymore because now I'm a lump of emotions!

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  4. Oh Elle. I know nothing takes the pain away and no matter how many times people will tell you it gets easier it doesn't feel like it will but just know he's looking out for you now and always.

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  5. This was so beautiful to read, I'm in tears! You are so strong! Hugs to you!

    Jill
    Doused In Pink

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  6. Thank you so much for sharing this--something so personal. You had me in tears and my thoughts are with you.

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  7. I am so sorry Elle I have gone through this with friends and I have had friends go through this with their parents. Your commentary is beautifully written and a loving tribute to your Dad.

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  8. I can't even begin to imagine how emotional and at times traumatic this whole experience must be. I am so sorry that it all happened so fast. I mean I suppose there's never really a way to fully prepare but I can't even imagine the massive emotional jolt that sort of up turns the whole world which you've experienced. I know it sounds cliched and trite but treasure your memories and I just know that, of course, you will always hold him dear.

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  9. It was so heart warming to read your thoughts on how you felt when your dad passed away.. Loosing the most important person in ur life whether mom or dad is just sooo difficult to come out of. I wish you peace of mind and hope you come out of it and only remember good things and memories of your dad.. May his soul R.I.P

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  10. Beautiful. Be kind to yourself in these days and months.

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  11. You moved me in so many ways with this...sending you so many positive thoughts and prayers! xo, Biana - BlovedBoston

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  12. Wow, this is beautifully written. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, and I hope by writing everything down you feel some form of peace. Sending you prayers!
    Melanie @ meandmr.com

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  13. OH Elle, I'm so sorry you've had to face this so young. Losing a parent is never easy, but as you mentioned in your post it's not something you expect at our age. I hope this post helped you with how you feel and I hope you know that so many people you don't 'know' have been praying for you! You may not know it, but a lot of ladies in blog land care about you and your heart. Know we still are praying for you <3

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  14. Sweetie, there are so many people with you and praying!!! You are not alone, even though in grief, it can feel lonely. What an amazing man because look at how wonderful you are my dear!!! You are loved, you are admired and your are courageous!!! Hugs!!!!

    livingoncloudandreanine.blogspot.com

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  15. Wow, Elle. Wow. You capture the roller-coaster of extreme emotions we go through during grieving. Having experienced the death of my mother when I was 33, I recognize many of your reactions. This is a potent piece of writing. Thank you for sharing your personal life with us. I wish you the very best and hope you find peace.

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  16. I'm so sorry for your loss, Elle. Losing a parent is so heart breaking. I lost my Dad 4 years ago and the pain and his absence are still there. May your lovely memories bring you peace and comfort at this difficult time. Happy memories of my dad (before he got sick) is what keeps me going. Keep your dads words close to your heart and he will will always be with you. Sending hugs and prayers. xo
    Monica
    http://GlamVolution.blogspot.com

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  17. Ok I have tears in my eye reading this! My heart truely aches for you! I think losing a parent has got to be the hardest thing anyone has to go through! Especially with how fast it happened with you, I can't even imagine! Just know although he isn't here physically anymore he will always be with you in spirt! Hugs and prayers sent to you!!! <3333 ps you're not 38!!!! I thought your were like 28!!!

    <3 Shannon
    Upbeat Soles

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  18. Oh Elle, I am so sorry for your lost and reading this brought tears to my eyes. This is beautifully written, hopefully it'll bring some comfort to someone who is going through the same now. Hugs xx

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  19. The loss of a parent is definitely devastating and you capture your experience in such an emotionally resonant way in this piece and honor your dad the sweetest way.

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  20. My heart goes out to you Elle. I can't imagine how difficult this time is for you but I am sure that your dad is looking down, proud of what a strong and wonderful woman you are.

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  21. This broke my heart. Big huge hugs to you.

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  22. Big big big hugs, Elle. This has left me very speechless snd it was beautifully written. I'm so proud of how strong you are because even if you don't feel strong sometimes, this is something that takes strength snd courage to write. My heart goes out to you!

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  23. This is beautiful yet heartbreaking, Elle. I'm continuing to send you lots of love and hugs.

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  24. This is beautiful Elle. Just beautiful. And you are so right, at the end, my dad didn't look like himself either. But he was my first love you know. Just beautiful post Elle. I hope you are doing well. Believe it or not, you are on my mind because I know what it feels like.

    Kay of Pure & Complex
    www.purecomplex.com

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  25. Oh sweet lady.... my heart is aching for you. Everything you've had to go through. I can't even begin to imagine.... I'm glad you have gotten those signs from heaven. Those moment will comfort you through the years. & you grieve how you need to grieve - for however long you need to. Life is never the same when a parent goes... it takes time to get the world to feel like a normal place without them.
    Sending you hugs. What a beautiful post.

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  26. I'm so sorry for your loss, I'll be praying for you and your family.

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  27. Wow, I don't even know what to say...this brought tears to my eyes. This is a very personal post and I commend you for it. It is very beautiful and touching. Your dad would be proud.

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  28. This was heartbreaking to read, Elle- it must've taken you so much courage to put pen to paper for this! So beautifully written and I hope it brought you some catharsis. Wishing you all the best- even though it's "over" you're still in the midst of it. But you're so strong! I'm thinking of you. :)

    -Ashley
    Le Stylo Rouge

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  29. I read this twice and cried both times. Grief is hard. It's never easy and everyone processes it differently. I think it's even more difficult when it's so sudden and unexpected. I hope that the memories of your father will make you smile soon. I know it takes time, but I pray for you to feel peace and hope that the difficult days will be fewer and fewer.

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  30. Oh Elle, this put a lump in my throat! My grandpa was my dad growing up (my dad was a farmer and a trucker and he was gone more than he wasn't). He died 12 years ago and I still cry over him! There is definitely no time limit on grief, and anyone who says so has obviously never lost someone close. I know what helps me is remembering all the good times I had with him and all the stuff he used to do for me. And whenever our whole family would get together for Christmas or thanksgiving, he and my dad and my uncles would tell THE EXACT same stories every year! So whenever we get together now, we find ourselves telling those same stories...again! Lol! I still feel loss because he's not there cracking up with us, but oh how I remember him with those stories! And let me tell you, i knew he was a great man and figure that he was in heaven, but I didn't KNOW until about 5 years ago at my wedding--I could feel him there so strong and felt like he was proud of me. I know for me it felt like my little heart was gonna break everytime I thought about him or saw pictures of him or anyone mentioned him for a really long time, but that's ok! Just know that it definitely will get better with time, and try not to let that grief overwhelm you (sometimes easier said than done!). Oh, and as far as leaving the room goes--a lady I work with has been in both situations--she stepped out of the room for 10 mins and her very close aunt died while she was gone; she was devistated that she wasn't there with her when she actually passed; and she was right there when both her mom and dad died, and she says it still haunts her--I don't know that there really is a "better" one in that situation; it's just hard any way you do it! Thoughts and love go out to you, Miss Elle! Xo

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  31. Oh Elle. I'm sitting here at my desk at work and I'm about to cry reading this. It's so open and honest and raw...and simply beautiful. Thanks for being brave enough to share this journey with us. My heart is with you, as are my prayers.
    While I truly can't fathom what you're experiencing, my only glimpse into it has been what my husband went through when he lost his mother a few years ago. He was in the room when she died as well and describes it very similarly; he was haunted by that image of her dying as well. However, later, after more time passed, he said he was glad he was with her at that last moment. I hope you will find peace with that decision of yours as well.
    Anyway, thank you for sharing this beautiful, touching post.

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  32. This post touched my heart, Elle. You wrote so beautifully. Thank you for sharing your father with us. So happy to hear that you are slowly healing from this. Please don't feel alone. We're here for you. <3

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  33. I got chills reading this. I am sure there will always be a space that can't be filled, but I pray that each day gets a little better and a little easier. We don't always understand God's timing, but know that He has a plan for you. I've always heard, "If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it" and I believe it's true. You are in my thoughts and prayers! xoxo

    www.loubsandlips.com

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  34. Thank you for expressing your emotions in the best way you know how, writing. I can't begin to try and understand what you are going through, but I want you to know I have prayed for you and for your family. I hope this is something that will only make you a strong, loving person. Life has a strange way of handing us things it thinks we can handle. Family and friends seem to say dumb things at calling hours. I've noticed this as I've attended many for my large extended family. I think it's nerves, a way of coping? Maybe if the attention is directed at something else they won't remember why they are there? Never the less it's hard to push those things aside. Especially when you feel attacked or belittled by them. Just focus on your accomplishments and the next step in your life. There is no one that knows you like you. I hope the very best for you. Please keep smiling and continue to spread joy to people's lives. Have a blessed week Elle. <3

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  35. Dear Elle. I haven't lost my father, but a sister several years ago. I feel your grieve and your loss and want to thank you for sharing your story.
    I hope people feeling lost will get to read it and find solace in your words.

    LindaLibraLoca: Beauty, Baby and Backpacking

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  36. oh. this got me. I lost both my parents within months of each other when I was 17. There is no way anyone can handle that kind of tragedy. No matter how old anyone is. I hope this outlet has allowed you to heal and be able to express what you needed. Best to you.
    xo,
    nancy

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  37. I know this had to be super hard for you to write. It brought tears to my eyes reading it. Just know I'm thinking about you and hear if you want to talk.

    http://www.amysfashionblog.com/blog-home/

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  38. Oh Elle, this is so beautifully written. You write about your grief in such an expressive way. My heart feels torn apart.

    I'm so very sorry for your sudden loss.

    Corinne x
    www.skinnedcartree.com

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  39. I know it must've taken a lot of courage for you to write this post, and I hope that with each day you are feeling better. Your Dad is right.... even on the most difficult of days, remember "It will be okay." Sending lots of hugs your way.

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  40. Thank you for sharing something so raw and emotional with us. This is beautifully written and I know it took courage to write and to post about such a personal experience. I so sorry for your loss and I hope you can find some peace very soon. Sending love and hugs your way. xoxo.

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  41. Oh, this is so beautiful and heartbreaking. I'm so sorry your dad died. So much of what you wrote reminds me of how I felt when my grandpa died. It hurts. Years later it still hurts to have lost someone so close, but your dad was right, it will be okay... Sending you hugs.

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  42. I could comment on the post, but so many people have done that so I just thought I'd share a little bit more of my story. On the 23rd of this month, it'll be 6 years since my Dad passed. I remember the day vividly. I was in a recliner chair next to his bed side all night. I remember the last breaths and the final one. I was his only child, and he wasn't married either, so I handled all of his final affairs, at 22 years old. I don't even know how I got through those first months but they were all milestones. One month, two months, three months. You don't want time to go on because you feel farther away from him.

    You feel like you're getting farther and farther away, but you're not. He will still be with you and you will still carry him in your heart just as you are right now. My dad's death day was a Thursday at 7:10 in the morning. I went through the exact same thing as you, though I was working each of those weeks. Sometimes, luckily I was way to busy and the minute passed me by. Other times, not so much. This year, the anniversary is on a Thursday as well. It's not as hard anymore.

    I still have dreams of present day happenings with my dad alive. Those are freaky. They break my heart when I wake up. Sometimes, its okay though.

    In July I'll be having my first milestone after his passing - having a baby girl. He will be missed, but I know he is with me in my heart.

    So here is to knowing that other women just like you have been down the path - and hope in knowing that there will be brighter days ahead. Memories won't be as hard, and the thought of your dad will bring a smile to your face and happy tears.

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  43. Elle, there really are no words that any of us can give you that are helpful, but just know that you are loved. People are here for you. I am here for you. I have known loss of loved ones so much, and it really cannot be described. Someone I loved very, very much passed almost 9 years ago, and I still find myself sobbing on my kitchen floor sometimes. It doesn't happen a lot, but it still happens. It's so brave and generous of you to share your experience with us.

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  44. Oh the emotions while reading this post!!! So beautifully written. I hope that you continue to find the good in every day things. I know exactly what you mean by having to wait for your sign. You will be amazed at the times you will see signs from him. And when you said "People you never would have counted on will surprise you in many ways. Friends you thought that would be there for you, won't be." that really stuck with me, as I find that is true in so many major events in life. Why should a death be any different?

    It was awesome of you to share this. There are probably people reading this right now going through something similar, or needed that final push to mend a relationship. Hugs!!

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  45. This had me in tears, Elle. So beautifully written. I can't comprehend the grief you are going through because I've never experienced a loss like that but I'm praying for you!

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  46. Elle this is so beautiful and heart breaking all at ones. I had chills when I read the first few sentences and was crying by the end. I find peace in things like people not suffering when they die, not going through months/years of chemo, etc but you are right that death is death and it sucks no matter when/where/how. But grief is something that has no right or wrong and you do what you need to do to get through. Cry, dance, laugh, blog, whatever it is you do it! I hope that you are proud of yourself for how you have shared this with the blog world! I hope it helps someone else going through it. xo

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  47. What a heartfelt post. My father has been ill recently and I have worried that my time with him will be limited. Like you, I do not live near, and I am the oldest child; so, I can surely relate to that aspect of this. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. You are in my thoughts, Elle. T.

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  48. This really touched me. I am again, so sorry for your loss. I have hugged my daddy so much because of what you are going through and this was beautifully written. You are constantly in my thoughts

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  49. This is beautiful and heartbreaking. Reading this made me tear up so much. I can't imagine going through this, so to me you're like superwoman for having gone through this. You might not feel like it, but you're strong, Elle. So sorry for your loss.
    ~Sara

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  50. He was right. Keep focusing, keep aiming, and keep directing yourself towards something great. One of the best parts of him will always be a visible, beautiful part of you!

    xoxo,
    little luxury list formerly Chic 'n Cheap Living

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  51. You brought tears to my eyes and flooded me with the many feelings I had when my grandfather passed away. I can't imagine how much stronger those feelings are for you with it being your Dad that you lost. I know we don't "know" each other, but I am thinking of you and hoping your heart finds peace and comfort.

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  52. First of all this is so touching. Second, I could identify with so much of it and I wish I had a manual about how to lose a sister. Signing documents, being in charge of probate because Im the attorney, buying an outfit (so surreal), the can't sleep, seeing the day and time, the constant thoughts .... the what ifs, and feeling like you are wearing a sign saying relative of a deceased. I get it. I get all of it. Im here if you need me Elle and Im once again so sorry for your loss. Hugs :)

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  53. This post is just beautiful, Elle. I am sorry for what some people have told you...they can be such idiots. It's weird, the other day I read a quote from Keanu Reeves of all people. He said "Grief changes shape, but it never ends." Sadly, I think it's true, but in a way it's good. I think we learn how to deal with it in better ways. And it looks like you are dealing with it while keeping an open heart to life. I believe that's what your Dad would have wanted.

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  54. It does get easier, but you will always miss him. My husband lost his Daddy to cancer when his Daddy was 59. 59 is so young, and, for lack of a better way to say this, its not fair. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for sharing your pain, your grief, those most vulnerable emotions. I felt like you were talking to me; I haven't had to say that goodbye to my Daddy yet. But I know that when I do, I'll remember this beautiful message from you. You have my thoughts & prayers during this time. And yes, you're gonna be okay.

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  55. Elle, I can't even fathom what you're going through right now. I'm sorry that people have been insensitive. Death is death. It's heartbreaking, at any age, under any circumstances.

    This is a beautiful letter. I know you try not to be too personal on the blog, but I'm glad you felt comfortable sharing this with us. I hope writing it was in a small way therapeutic for you.

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  56. Elle, I am so very sorry. This was such a beautiful post and I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. Your Daddy sounds like an amazing person. I am so sorry he passed xxx

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  57. If I could reach out and give you a big hug, I would. This was a beautiful post, Sweet Elle. I wish I had some magic words to take your pain away or to dry your tears, but hopefully knowing that you have so many readers who care for you and are here for you will help just a little. I don't know if the pain will ever go away, but I hope that with each passing day you'll find yourself smiling a little bit more, and resting a little bit longer. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    -Krystle

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  58. I've been through this. Cancer. Years ago now though. It does suck so bad, but You will be OK. I know there is nothing that anyone can tell You that makes this seem any better now. I mean WHAT angle of this can be perceived as pretty? True. But hold on. Be tough from what I'm reading You're quite the tough lady... Hold on there. The raw pain will pass.

    SJay // The Chronic Dreamer | A Lifestyle Blog

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  59. I'm so sorry for your loss. Nothing can truly prepare you for the loss of a parent but the suddenness of this is so tragic. I lost my dad when I was 10 due to a heart attack. Sure I can say that time helps (it really does) but that's not what you need right now. Lean on your support network & cry. A quote I love: The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea. Thinking about you...

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  60. You had me over here tearing up. This was very touching Elle and again sorry for your loss. I know it will take time to heal from this but I know you will heal in time. You are in my prayers!!

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  61. I Know I had to wait to read this until I was at home because I know it would break my heart. I am so sorry you are going through this, and having sleep issues now dealing with your grief. I hope that your heart is healing and while you will still miss him that it will hurt less. Big hugs to you.

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  62. Hugs to you. This was beautiful.

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  63. Oh Elle, my heart just breaks for you. This was so beautifully written and reminds me in small ways of how it felt when my grandmother passed away. I can't imagine what it is like to lose a parent. I wish there were better words I could offer. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers still.

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  64. I was crying when I read this at work when you posted it and it's taken me this long to get it together enough to want to let you know how much my heart aches with you. I'm thinking of you and yours my dear.

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  65. One day it'll just be another Saturday but it'll always cast a dark shadow on a sunny day. Just kno that your shoulder to cry on isn't just a handful, it's a stadium full of people that will pick you up and carry you through this. Xoxo

    Rouge
    Rougesalvatore.com

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