7.06.2014

On Having Social Anxiety & Being A Blogger

I'm breaking out in hives as I type this. My heart is beating, I'm sweating and my face is red. I'm nervous, but I need to post this. I know it makes me vulnerable; it puts all my cards on the table. But I'm hoping this will show you where I'm coming from, maybe explain a little more about me, and perhaps even let someone know they are not alone.

I have social anxiety.

According to Wikipedia:
"Social anxiety is a discomfort or a fear when a person is in social interactions that involve a concern about being judged or evaluated by others. It is typically characterized by an intense fear of what others are thinking about them (specifically fear of embarrassment, criticism, or rejection), which results in the individual feeling insecure, not good enough for other people, and/or the assumption that peers will automatically reject them."

I have had this for as long as I can remember, and have always been an introvert. I remember being introduced as shy by others. I remember having butterflies in my stomach before the first day of school, or school dances. I still get them. Or anxiety dreams or nightmares the night before a social event. I remember avoiding extended family functions. I still do that sometimes. 

It is not the same as agoraphobia. While I am most comfortable at home, if I'm in public, I prefer being an invisible wallflower, watching the action. Why do I need to talk? I am awful at making small talk.

When it comes to a social situation, especially if meeting new people, I try to avoid it at all costs. Making phone calls, even to people I know freaks me out. I have zero interest in being the center of attention. Eating alone? Forget it. Eating in front of new people gives me anxiety. Eye contact is difficult. I try to avoid walking Charlie where other people are so I won't have to talk to them. And this isn't even every symptom.

I feel people are judging me in a negative way. I fear they'll think I'm ugly, fat, dumb, or weird. I've been told these things before. And when I do talk, I see that glazed over look, where they look like they're listening, but they aren't. If I do get a compliment, I'm convinced it's a means for the person to get something out of me, that it's not sincere.

I've been told get over it, to stop acting so weird, to smile (I look mad but swear I'm not--rbf), to have a drink. I try. I take deep breaths. I practice what I'm going to say when I'm going somewhere. I smile and try so hard to fit in. I started a Youtube to help me when talking to people. I started posting pictures of myself on the blog and my social media. I lost 40 pounds (work in progress). I've really worked on my self-esteem. I've worked on accepting it's impossible to be liked by everyone. I still think positively that maybe this time it won't be so difficult. But then I'll get a negative comment, a few "likes" on a pic or post, and then it's back to square one.

I'm writing this because this weekend I have my very first blogger conference, something I've avoided for the past few years, partly because of budget, and partly because of bloggers. I've written before on my battle with my self-esteem. I've come a long way since my first blogger event and Youtube video, (I threw up after both) but it never.gets.easier.

Girls are the worst at being judgmental of other girls! I see more tearing down of each other and competition than supporting. At this conference, I'm going to be at least 10 years older than these bloggers, twice the size, with half the budget for clothes. Trust me, I've seen their blogs or have met them before. I've already decided around 7 times (just today) that I'm not going to go, but my social anxiety is preventing me from growing my blog. I'm sick of feeling this way.

But today I am doing something about it. And writing this post was the first step. 



67 comments:

  1. so brave of you to write this! I have major trust issues with women in general, I was bullied terribly through highschool etc and as a result I don't have any girl friends. My social anxiety can cause me agoraphobia and whilst I can talk to people I'm always worried about what people think of me... its not that I care really its just the anxiety talking. I think as women we need to be kinder to ourselves and each other. I think you are doing a great job :) http://maybemayhemmakeup.blogspot.com.au/

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  2. I think you are making a huge step forward. You are a talented blogger, and I'm glad that you will be participating in a conference. You are worthy! I really enjoy reading your blog. It's not easy to put yourself out there, and I admire you.

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  3. This is awesome! I just recently "came out" that I had a blog to everyone on Facebook. I know I was so late to the game, I just didn't want people I know/some that I don't really know judging me. Good for you!

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  4. Me too, buddy. Me, too. For this reason, I also avoided meeting other bloggers in person but, when I did, it was so nice. They were friendly and non-judgmental. Given my appearance (old man), I had more to fear than you do but everyone has been nice. I hope and expect your experience to be as joyful.

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  5. Hugs to you. And yes, you are brave to write this and kudos for taking the first step! Just keep in mind that you are an amazing blogger to me and I have loads of respect for you and I absolutely love your blog!

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  6. As I was reading this I felt like you were describing everything I feel on a day to day basis! My mom has told me for years that when I'm not smiling, I look mad. If I'm around people I don't know, someone always feels the need to tell me to smile & look happier. It's so frustrating and makes me just avoid those situations all together. I even hid in the bathroom at church when I was in middle school to avoid going in a room full of strangers. I feel ya! I've been wanting to write a post about this lately, but haven't found the courage to do so yet. It's so nice to see another blogger that has the same struggles as I do. So glad you posted this :)

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    1. Hi Alyssa,

      Social anxiety is certainly a common thing to experience, and you are not alone! If you are interested in connecting with others that experience the same problems, we have an online community of social anxiety suffers (on FB, Twitter, Pinterest, etc.) that you may find interesting. We also offer a free social anxiety test, blog, and an online social anxiety program at www.learntolive.com. We hope that some of these resources can be helpful to you.

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  7. Oh, sista <3<3<3 I hear you on so much of this! I have to drink in social situations-- it's not even a question of if. And I do it so I can converse more easily and respond more naturally. Nothing in the world can make me feel like I've actually got something if interest to say, lol. My hobbies and interests are all out on the table, I've made no bones about who I am, but I'm sort of acutely aware that none of it is even remotely interesting to, well, anyone. I think that's why I love blogging so much-- it gives me my voice. I'd rather talk about almost anything but myself, most the time, because of that glazed over look. I think a blogging convention would be a blast and I hope you enjoy yourself to the fullest-- you certainly deserve it! And good on you for putting this out there and getting yourself mentally prepared. You know, sometimes I wonder just how social we humans really are, inherently... Anyhoo, hugs to you and keep on keepin' on :) :)

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  8. Elle you are amazing. I have social anxiety as well, in a very extreme way, and I totally understand where you are coming from. You are SO SO SO brave to write this and I am proud of you. Thanks for giving us all a voice, and for the comfort I found in this post. This really helped me. Lots of hugs coming your way from me!!

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  9. Elle I really think that you are a so sweet and fantastic person, I'm so happy to have "met you" only if it is by Internet <3 You are so honest and I'm so proud of your words!
    Lot of kisses and hugs to you and Charlie

    Carolina

    www.theworldc.com

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  10. Elle, I agree with the comments above. You are brave for writing this post.
    In one form or another, we all have insecurities and fears, and it's hard. As an introvert myself, I can totally relate with what you wrote. What you are doing in going to this blogger conference is such a major step. You go, girl! So proud of you:)

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  11. Beautiful written post Elle! It takes a lot of courage to write about personal experiences with social anxiety. One of the main reasons why I have a degree in Psychology is to help people deal with the pressures of life etc. I think at some point most people will suffer some sort of social anxiety or nervousness, we're only human. Thanks for sharing this post and I hope you had a wonderful fourth of July!

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  12. Thank you so much for this post! I cried a little reading it. You described so many of my struggles for the past 25 years to a T. I think it's amazing that you're brave enough to write about this AND to face your fears by going to a blogging conference. I hope you have tons of fun!!

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  13. This was really great to read - it's inspiring to see people grabbing their fears by the horns, so to speak, and talking openly about them.

    Courtney ~ Sartorial Sidelines

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  14. What a brave and beautiful post Elle. I love reading your beauty posts but its great to get to know you a bit better. I detest the term 'get over it'. No one knows how you feel inside but you. This is a great first step and so inspiring that you're facing the issues and trying to deal with them in a healthy positive way. Im sure you will be great at the blogging conference but if all else fails take some deep breaths and know that you have a whole community of support behind you. Take it moment by moment. And go you! :)

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  15. I can't even begin to tell u how much I can relate to this! But Thanks for sharing and being so brave! I hope that the conference went well honey! That is a lot to deal
    With. But I'm sure you were fabulous! ;-)

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  16. You are so brave for putting this out there! Bravery isn't about not being afraid--bravery is the willingness to admit you have problems and to work on them, even just one step at a time. You can't always control your feelings or even physical reactions, which is something people who have never experienced depression or anxiety don't always understand. You and your blog are both wonderful!!!!

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  17. I can really relate to a lot of how you're feeling because I too am introverted and shy around people I don't know. I think it's really great that you're going to put yourself out there and go to your first blogger conference! I've had two blogger meetups before and everyone I met was SO nice.

    -Sharon
    The Tiny Heart
    Spray Tan Giveaway!

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  18. I think it's great you're sharing this. When I work with my clients on social anxiety, I have found that these packets are great: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=40

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  19. Good for you for putting it all out there! And good for you for going to a conference! I hate going to social situations, especially when I don't know anyone. I hope it goes really well and you have tons of fun!

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  20. Oh, I hope it all goes well, Elle. And just remember, even though you may think that everyone is looking at you and judging you, nobody really gives a damn! I went through a similar period a while ago, but then I got my act together, got to an event and realised that everyone else in a room came there to enjoy themselves and not really to look at me (let alone talk about me etc.) So... as scary as it feels right now, just go there... Bloggers are a great bunch and I am 100% sure you will feel welcomed. Not everyone is born to be a social butterfly or find the right words straight away - don't panic about it. Grab a drink, smile and talk to people who smile back... Once you make the first step, the rest will follow. Basically, act as if... pretend to be a person you want to be... and play the part. :)

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  21. Best of luck with the blogger conference!! You are so brave and I literally could not do any videos even if my life depended on it!! You rock!

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  22. I seriously can't thank you enough for writing this post and being so honest. I have the same issue I am such an introvert. People really freak me out if that makes sense. I wish you the best of luck and commend you for your honesty.
    Beautetude

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  23. I'm proud of you for revealing this about yourself, and for pushing yourself through frightening social situations. I think I have this too, but always just considered myself shy.

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  24. I think this is a great first step! I hope you stick with going, even though it will be difficult! You are so loved in the blogging community, I hope you know that!!

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  25. I think blogging is actually a fantastic tool for getting over social anxiety… I know it has pushed me outside of my comfort zone and I am so thankful for that. 3 cheers for sharing you personal demons!

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  26. You go girl! Thanks so much for sharing about this relevant topic. I hope it helps people to seek help for their anxieties.

    katespitz.blogspot.com

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  27. Elle you are a wonderful person. I know you will do great at your conferee. Also congrats on the weight loss. That in it self is hard. Hugs

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  28. I think it's wonderful that you shared about that here on your blog - it is a great first step and hopefully will also help others dealing with the same thing see that they aren't alone! You're amazing girl!

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  29. This is absolutely a phenomenal post, Elle! Love it. It's not easy to talk about anxiety of any kind. It's not easy to admit that we have some sort of a flaw. Yet exactly that "flaw" makes us who we are and it's just human. You will be fine this weekend. You will encounter all kinds of craziness beforehand...the sweating, the dizziness, the thoughts, the everything you go through before you even come close to people. Yet, it will be fine. You aren't alone. Your blog is awesome, you're terrific, and that blogger event will go smoothly. You may not even be the only one with social anxiety, but you are one of many who tackles this and mingles, and even writes about it. :) Do you know who is attending, too? I am sure there's a few that deal with similar if not same anxieties and support in that is always helpful. :)

    Good luck, girl. You can do this!!!!!

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  30. You are so not alone! I have social anxiety and I'm introverted on top of it, so I completely understand. I always find that I will be the most nervous leading up to an event, but once I'm there and talking to people, all of that anxiety slips away! You'll have so much fun!

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  31. Thanks so much for sharing! I can't really relate because somehow I've always had a lot of confidence, but maybe what I'm saying will encourage you. Try to walk into a room with your head held high and act like you are the only one in the room. You are so beautiful you have absolutely no reason to think others are judging you and if they are then they are just unhappy with their own lives. Who cares what people think anyways no one has the right to determine what "ugly" is, you determine that for yourself. :)

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  32. Thank you for having the courage to share this. I appreciate it because I am similar in many ways. I really really do not like to leave my house. I feel I'm constantly being judged. I prefer "digital socialization" -- majority of my friendships are online.

    You are beautiful (inside and out) and you have an accomplished blog. While your feelings of anxiety are valid, I think you have a lot to feel good about. I hope you have a great time at the conference.

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  33. I'm a new reader. Love your blog. I'm picky and don't want to waste my time. Your blog is imformative and upbeat. You're truly beautiful. Keep up the good work!

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  34. Love you so much for posting this. I too, suffer from anxiety problems (have my entire life). I even hate having my picture taken - just another manifestation of my social anxiety. Those who don't suffer from this, have no idea who over powering it can be sometimes! I hope you have a great conference & don't spend too much time worrying about it ahead of time :))

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  35. I can def relate when people to tell you to smile when you aren't even mad! I'm like this is my normal face sorry! lol Its so annoying hearing that. Good luck at your conference and just remember to breathe. Everything will be ok. You are awesome and don't let anyone or anything make you think any different!

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  36. I relate to this post SO much — and I totally have RBF. :) People were always telling me to smile growing up, and I hated it. I also hate talking on the phone, and I'm much more comfortable at home than going to big social events, even with my husband's family. It's hard when people don't understand it and tell you to just "get out more," too. I think it's amazing that you're going to this blogger conference, and I hope it helps you with your anxiety. You are such an amazing person, and I have enjoyed getting to know you through your blog. We have so much in common, and I really look up to you! I hope you know that you inspire a lot of people.

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  37. i didn't realize how bad my anxiety was until my doctor put me on an anti-anxiety medication this year. don't know how you feel about taking medication, but i will say for me it's been a bit life changing. i have been meaning to do a post about it but just have been a little self-conscience especially since my parents don't want me to be on the medicine that i'm on. people really don't understand though unless they know what it's like to have issues with anxiety.

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  38. So proud of you - you are going to do amazing. You have so much poise. I have a blogger conference on my bucket list, too but I've been too chicken for all the reasons you mentioned. Maybe we should go to one together. I think you're amazing!

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  39. Thank you for writing this post! It takes a lot of courage to say the things you have shared. Good luck at the blogger conference!

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  40. Thank you for writing this post. I am a blog creeper because even commenting on a post can be hard for me. Good luck at the conference.

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  41. Hugs to you Elle! It's amazing for you to be able to sit and write this post, even if you were scared to! I think we all have a little bit of social anxiety to some extent! Just remember that you are beautiful my dear, and we all love you!

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  42. i have many of the same anxieties, being the "mom" blogger and all...and i hate uncomfortable social situations. the one that gets me all the time is when i leave a party; having to make your round of good-byes, yikes! i rather slip away quietly!

    [oomph.]

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  43. I have a lot of the same issues. I am terrible at making small talk and it seems like everything hinges on that ability. I am an introvert and I am proud of it. Introverts aren't any different from anyone else. It's just we tend to express ourselves only to our nearest and dearest. I love that you are pushing yourself. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. Especially one with confidence. I am learning to accept myself and push my boundaries too. It's a small step each day, but I am sure I will feel more comfortable in my own skin. And women are very judgmental. You walk around and you can notice that easily. It is truly sad to see us not support one another.

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  44. Are you going to the SBS event? I so wish I would have been able to go! You will do great!! I'm sure that you will meet a lot of bloggers and you'll have a great time!

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  45. I feel this way a lot Elle. I haven't always been this way. I was extremely outgoing as a child and teenager. I understand how judgement and the cruelty of others can chip away at your self esteem and give you a complex. That's what has happened to me. I really hope you will go to the bloggers conference. I think you are a great blogger/youtuber :) It's hard to put yourself out there and there will always be someone with more or a bigger budget. You are relable and genuine and that's what makes YOU so awesome! xoxo Nicole

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  46. I never would have know, you are so open and forthcoming on your blog and videos. Glad you are opening up about it, I am sure others can relate. Glad you are taking the change and going to the conference! So brave and so proud of you for taking the leap.

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  47. Somebody told me something about bloggers that I've found to be quite true so far. Blogger girls are quite supportive as a community, and in person also. We all go through those fears and anxieties, and we aren't all that diva-like if you think about it, so basically bloggers are most likely to treat you with respect for all the hard work you've done.

    You've got a lot to be proud of. And if you're working on your issues and battling them, you'll eventually come to where you want to be. Everybody here supports you, including me. You can do it ;)

    You know where to find me ^^

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  48. So glad to see this post!! It is a topic so close to my heart, something I suffer from as well. It's so hard to explain to anyone & many times I feel that no one can relate. So proud that you were able to get a post out here, trust me when I say I know how difficult that must have been. Just know that you have my support and there are so many other women out there with social anxiety who are feeling supported and understood thanks to your post. :)

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  49. You can do it, girl!! Even if you go for an hour and then leave... go! You won't regret it. Keep up the good work! There are so many people here to support you!!
    www.amemoryofus.com

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  50. I was shy when I was younger too and still get like that sometimes. I often don't like coming out of my comfort zone but sometimes it had to be done. I see you have so much support from everyone and you'll be fine at the blogger conference!!

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  51. I definitely threw up after my first day at a blogger conference last August because I was SO NERVOUS. but I found people that I meshed with... and I made it through. albeit, I didn't have as many connections as others may have, but I still had a good time. (I also went home SUPER early during that weekend's social affair because I just couldn't handle it). It's all baby steps! You're fabulous & I have total confidence you'll find a good balance of putting yourself out there & protecting your sanity. Best of luck girl. xoxo

    and thanks for sharing. I know this post was tough to write!

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  52. Women can be so mean to other women. It's nearly always coming from a place of insecurity or false superiority. It's not right and it's not fair. As women, we should be building each other up! When I see a woman doing this to another woman (even if it's a comment the other woman doesn't hear), I always take note of her children nearby who are sitting there learning from their mother that the way of the world is to tear others down. I really pray that I never do this to anyone else and that I can teach my children to love and respect others. Anyway, total tangent there, haha! But hey, I'm glad you're going! It will be great!

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  53. You are so strong and brave to talk about this, Elle. You know you're not the only one who feels this way! I'm so proud of you for facing your fears and still going to the blogger conference- where people BETTER behave themselves or you send them to speak to ME. You are such a kind, lovely girl and you deserve the best! Keep your chin up and keep fightin' the good fight. :)

    -Ashley
    http://lestylorouge.com

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  54. Amazing to see you taking your first steps toward talking about and overcoming your social anxiety. I wanted to let you and your readers know about some online social anxiety resources that may be useful to you! At http://www.learntolive.com we offer a free social anxiety test that will let you know the severity of your social anxiety. We also have a blog about living with social anxiety and other mental health problems. Lastly, we recently launched an online social anxiety program that is based on the proven principles of cognitive behavioral therapy - the program has already helped over 1,600 people overcome their social anxiety, and we hope it will be helpful to you as well.

    All the best,

    Dr. Russ
    http://www.learntolive.com

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  55. Girl, you are AMAZING. I know where you're coming from though. Just gotta remember that there are people who are intimidated by YOU, too!!!!

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  56. BRAVO to you, Elle! You just took a huge first step in writing and publishing this article. I, too, have had bouts of social anxiety in my life, and I also don't like to be the center of attention. Seek out a few people (or even one!) in a crowd with whom you feel comfortable and stick with them. Your conversations and connections with others will always be more rich and gratifying when you stick with that smaller group than they could ever be if you were trying to talk to and get to know everybody in the room. Keep taking one step forward, one day at a time. You can do this!! ((hugs)) :)

    Elizabeth

    http://www.putonyourbiggirllipstick.com/

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  57. Aww thanks for sharing. I'm sure someone with anxiety, conferences are intimidating. I hope you go. I met a lot of great friends at these conferences. It's kind of like high school just ignore those girls and find the weird outcast like yourself :) (in a good way! lol) That's what I did and I'm still friends with all them 5 years later!

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  58. Oh wow Elle I totally relate to this. I had it very bad. I know lots of good books that can help. Let me know if you would like the names of them. They're recommended by a therapist. Good luck. Xxxx

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  59. Just playing catch up and had to leave a comment on this post.
    I have anxiety as well, not in social situations, but in others. Bad traffic, when flying, basically when i'm not in control. It's awful. And it has gotten worse instead of better as I get older.
    That said, I have tried to do these things in spite of my anxiety. {I've also tried meds, a hypnotist...} It's easier sometimes to just NOT. But I refuse to give in. Hoping you do the same! I think you seem amazing and shame on anyone who doesn't recognize that.

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  60. Awe Elle this is a great first step, but yeah I can totally relate to a lot of what your saying. I personally have anxiety too and so I can imagine what your feeling because I know if I were going to a blogger conference I would feel all of that too. But I know you can do it and you will be fine because being a follower of your blog I know you have an amazing personality. I'm sure when you go you will be glad that you went, I know when I went to my first blog thing which was an opening of a plus size section, I was so nervous and I was so surprised how nice the other bloggers were to me. They even told me why am I so quite and shy but I just smiled because I myself am not good at small talk too. But at the end of the day I was really happy I went. So I wish you the best of luck at the blogger event and I will look forward to your post about it! :)

    Nina
    http://curvymod.blogspot.com/

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  61. I have some social phobia myself and HATE to be the center of attention and avoid social settings that make me uncomfortable at work. My co-workers, most of whom I consider family after working with them for 9 years, threw me and my then-fiance (now husband) a shower right before our wedding and I was initially horrified. The idea of sitting in front of people opening gifts and answering wedding questions made me start sweating and feeling sick. I slept on it, though, and decided it would be a good way to challenge myself and I told them to go ahead. I'm so glad I did it. It was uncomfortable at times, especially when people got emotional b/c I, in turn, did too (I HATE crying, esp. in public!!) but it proved to me that I could do it and that was very enriching. I still avoid certain functions at work like retirement parties where it's going to be a massive gathering and could be very sad (b/c the person is leaving), but I've tried hard to not let my anxiety stop me from doing things I truly love. You can do it at this conference! You LOVE makeup and beauty and are one of the few bloggers I follow who comes up with amazing and creative DIY recipes! You don't need fancy clothes and money, because you already have something so much more valuable and attractive: PASSION! Light it up at the blogger conference, Elle! I'm cheering you on from across town! :)

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  62. This is really brave of you to do, I suffer from this too and sometimes wish I owned a invisible cloak ;)

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  63. I'm so proud of you. I have so much respect for you and for opening up about something that is so personal - that is the biggest of steps, girl. You are beautiful and amazing - I know that sometimes things seem like it's just words, but I hope more and more that you see it and that you know how incredible you are. You are inwardly and outwardly gorgeous, love. More and more, I hope that sinks in for you - and I want you to get yourself to NYC so we can hang out, judgment free! :) xoxoxo

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  64. I am the same way, it's nice to know I'm not the only one. You can do this!

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  65. You are doing just fine and I bet you are helping so many other girls out there with your honesty! I am not shy by any means but I think that some people do not appreciate that either. I can be pretty loud and I always say my opinion. I think we would make a great personality if we throw us together in a blender- a little bit of your shyness together with my loudness- the perfect mix! Oh well- nobody is perfect, right? But you just got a whole bunch closer to it- simply with your truthfulness to yourself! I love that you step outside your comfort zone and go to a blogger meet. I would love if I would have anything like that in my area! And I bet some girls would hate me just because I am all that what you think you have to be! Nobody can be loved from everyone! We are all different and that is the Beauty!!! Lots of Love, Sissi www.beauty4free2u.com

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  66. Absolutely in the same boat as you! I went to my first conference last year and it was great, but I was freaking out beforehand. I'm glad you had a great time! I just finished the book "Quiet" and I encourage you to read it, it's very enlightening! xoxo

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