8.14.2017

I Was Told Not To Post This, But I Am Anyway




Depressed.
Depression.
I have depression.
I think I've typed and erased this sentence around 20 times.
I even made a video about it. I erased that too.
I was talking to my friend about this post. She said not to post it. Stop being a Debbie Downer.

I'm posting it anyway.

I have depression. But I'm getting through it.

That's such a huge relief, a weight to finally get by typing those words. But the words themselves have such weight to them that so many throw around casually with any sort of mental illness (see "I totally have OCD because my shoes have to be in order." Or "They messed up my Starbucks order. I was SO depressed for the rest of the day." And so on).

So I didn't want to really admit the heaviness of the word "depression" unless I was absolutely sure. I didn't want to belittle it, especially for those who are suffering from it far worse than I am.
I'm sure now.

I also felt shame because there's such a stigma to depression. There's a stigma of any mental illness, isn't there? It means you're weird. Not normal. Something is wrong with you--you're crazy.

I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want to appear weak. I didn't want to even admit I had it. I didn't want anyone to worry. I've always been the strong one, the one people rely on. That means I couldn't possibly be depressed, right?

Severe depression, to me, was due to by some tragic event. Nothing tragic had happened to me in a few years, so I couldn't be depressed, right? I was wrong and in denial.

Depression to me was a tv commercial of a woman confined to her bed, in the dark, and crying all day. That couldn't be me. I went to work every day, right? I couldn't be depressed.

And then I realized for the past year I've been sending out a sort of decent facsimile of myself. She got dressed, went to work, ate, and even blogged sometimes.

But then things stopped happening. I went to work every day, sure, but instead of giving 110%, I started giving 90%. I showered every day but wore wrinkled clothes, no makeup, hair in a bun, no polished nails, and no skincare, save for testing for a sponsored post. You might be laughing, but for a beauty blogger, that's kind of my life.

Speaking of the blog, I kind of gave up that love of mine. I went from posting 5 days a week for 7 years to only two or three times. I gave up visiting blogs, on social media. I stopped answering emails and they began to pile up from a few hundred to thousands. I missed deadlines. I started forgetting things, commitments. No one noticed. No one cared.

It began to take all of my energy to do ANYTHING. Anything. I was tired all of the time, but couldn't sleep. Just breathing was heavy. I felt alone.

The one day it hit me: this is depression. This is affecting my life. I need to not feel this way.

I thought about everything that got me here: having a period for three months, the constant sickness of the flu and pneumonia, the defeat of wanting to move for a job opp that didn't work out but yet I was sad about leaving the city I love, the watching my blog crumble, the sadness of my current job ending, and more...of these things are small but they built up and weighed on me over time. I developed horrible anxiety, which I've talked about before.

It was that realization that sort of brought me out of the fog I had been living in for nearly a year. I allowed myself to feel the way I was and not feel shame, but to accept it. And know that it wasn't always going to be like this.

Now, this didn't happen over night--there's no magic trick here. It's been a gradual thing. I gave myself small goals: get out of bed. Shower. Eat. These things took all of my energy. They took hours to do. And slowly I began to add more things. I talked to others. I could feel moments where I felt like myself again.

I'm still shaking the cloak of depression off of me. I'm not 100% me just yet, but if you could see how far I've come! How close to "me" I am now. I can see her! There are still times when I feel overwhelmed or defeated. Then I realize how far I've come. And I know this can happen again. But I won't allow it to win or defeat me. I will win.




47 comments:

  1. Thinking of you. There are so many cliche things to say but I do want you to know that I am thinking of you and you are not alone

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  2. I thank you for being so open about this and with us. Sending you lots of love and support Elle.

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  3. What people don't understand about depression is that depression is not some form of sadness, it's the absence of feeling. You simply don't care about yourself or anything that used to bring you joy. As someone who has been diagnosed with depression and treated with it, I am just so proud that you are feeling something again!! That you are taking small steps towards yourself again. Good for you. I mean that with all sincerity. There is so much hope for you on the other side of depression. Keep being grateful for what you have, it will start to rip holes in the depression. Gratitude is a powerful way to adjust our perspective. You're already using gratitude as a wespon, so keep going girl!!!

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  4. I hate that someone told you not to post about depression. That is the problem with the majority of people. They only care about the pretty shiny things on social media and don't want to hear about the struggles people have. The thing is, unless we talk about....when people slip in to depression...they are going to think and feel alone. That no one cares that they are down. I care. And I am sending you all the hugs today. And you talk it out, scream it out, do what you need to do to get to feeling like yourself again. Because girl, you are awesome! And you might have forgotten that for a little while, but you will get it back.

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  5. I'm sad someone told you not to post this. There's no reason to be ashamed at all. It's good to open up and sometimes that's essential for a healing process. I'm so glad to hear that you can how far you've come and that you're feeling closer to yourself, Elle! There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. You will get through this, and just know that you aren't alone

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  6. I hate it takes courage to say "I have depression"... & I totally get it. I struggle with it too - have every since 2000... & people see me as "the happy one" & they dont believe it. But it so much more than people realize. You'll get through this my friend. Brighter & better days are coming. Take your time... heal on your own terms... do what you need to to make the smiles come back.

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  7. It takes a lot to come out and admit something like this but if it helps in your process towards healing, it's a good thing. Know that you're not alone and that we all support you on getting back to feeling like yourself again. *hugs*

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  8. I feel you on this one. Sadly people don't want to hear it, it makes them uncomfortable. I struggle with both depression and anxiety but when I tell people and I get the sad "oh you poor thing" face I want to scream. Instead I usually just retreat and stop going out or being social until it gets better. It's too hard to explain because sometimes I don't really have a reason why. I will say that meds have helped me. I don't take them daily right now but I did for awhile and they work. Now I only take something if I get super anxious, that provokes crying for me and functioning is hard when you're weepy all the time. If you ever need a friend hit me up! Kudos to you for being so open, hang in there lady!

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  9. You are so brave to post about this. I know it shouldn't be something we have to praise each other for, but since mental health is such a hush hush topic, we feel different talking about it. I have also lived with depression a lot of my life and it is so hard to put it out there sometimes. You are not alone. Always remember that.

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  10. Thanks for sharing this Elle. I love your blog and think you're awesome.

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  11. Thinking of you, and you have so much courage to write this post. You aren't alone, and I definitely hope things get better.

    xo,
    Angela

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  12. I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through this. I hope you are able to come through it soon. And now you have the knowledge to recognize it and know what will help you get through it in the future. I'm thinking about you!

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  13. So proud of you for sharing. You are so loved friend!

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  14. So sorry, Elle. I think I've told you before that I have struggled with depression since 2007 and have to take anti-depressants to regulate my body (or else I just cry all. the. time). You WILL get through this, but please ask for help if you need it! And if you ever need to talk, I am here. :)

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  15. I'm so glad that you didn't listen and posted anyway! We're removing the stigma by talking about it. Once I acknowledged my depression and decided to get better, things started to improve!

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  16. So proud of u Elle! So many suffer in silence from depression and maybe this post can give them the strength the push on as well. Xo

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  17. Elle, we need to talk about depression more. I've suffered from it off and thoughout my life. I know how you feel, talking about it helps.

    It's been a couple of months since I blogged and I truly miss it... it's difficult to do much more then get up and make it to work.

    You've had a lot of changes this past year, remember to give yourself a break and do what you can. Talk as much as you need about this, I'm glad you blogged about it... I'm sad others felt you shouldn't. Being opened is the best thing that can help you... hiding it is the worst.

    Take care of yourself ♡♡♡

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  18. YOU WILL WIN! Depression is a hell of a disease. I had it too and sometimes I am not sure I am cured, you just learn to live with it. It tries to control you and you can control it back, I promise. You are in my thoughts and prayers. It is hard to admit that you have this and I am so proud of you for being so upfront about this. We all need to be more up front about these sort of things, more people than you think struggle. It is so true that this disease causes you not to be you. Keep being you, you are beautiful inside and out!

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  19. YOU HAVE WON! Just writing about it goes to show that you're not there anymore. I applaud your courage and I'm sending you good vibes Elle! By the way I love that you set goal. Baby steps with the goals and you'll be just fine!!

    http://www.fashionablyidu.com/

    http://www.fashionablyidu.com/

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  20. Thank you for being so open. I think that posting this means that you have won and will also be helpful to others. Sending you lots of support and hugs!

    Jill
    Doused in Pink

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  21. It's good for others experiencing this to read this, Elle! Then they don't feel so alone too. Sending tons of love your way...
    XOXO
    Jodie
    www.jtouchofstyle.com

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  22. I want to reach out and hug you, Elle and I'm a little furious that someone actually told you not to post this and don't be a Debbie Downer?! That's why so many people are so afraid to speak up because they were told to hide it, it's not right.

    I'm glad that you are finally feeling more like yourself, I love you, Elle, so many of your readers and followers do too, hugs. xx

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  23. I'm so sorry that someone told you not to post this because we NEED to hear more, share more stories, open up and be comfortable talking about these things. Sending you love, support and strength because I've been there. One day at a time... xo!

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  24. I'm so sorry that you've been going through this. I have been there myself so I know how you feel. I'm glad that you shared your experience here. At the risk of sounding like a total blog creepster, although I haven't been following your blog closely lately (second kid arrived and I'm drowning in literal poop), I often see your face pop across my Facebook feed and I always think to myself, "She is such a beautiful, happy, radiant person, inside and out." And then I hear your lovely Southern drawl in my head and it makes me smile. I wish you the best of luck, and I truly hope that you start to feel better soon. It's an uphill battle, but acknowledgement is the first step. You got this, girl!

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  25. So that's where you were. Glad you're coming out ❤❤

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  26. Thank you for being strong enough to share this Elle! Couldn't be happier for you that you're now on the other side of the battle and feeling good again!

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  27. Praying for you and sending hugs your way. I have had a little bout with depression with myself and was also afraid to come forward with it but I feel better and I do have my moments but I can now talk to someone about how I'm feeling.

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  28. I'm so glad you shared this! I know what you mean about not being yourself and nobody noticing and thinking that this can't be depression. I've been there. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Know that your online friends care about you. Sending you hugs!

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  29. Thank you for sharing this! Depression is spoken about more now, but we can still do so much more to help people with depression and make them feel comfortable about speaking about it. I have been surrounded by close friends and family with depression and it can come in man forms. I can only hope that you find the strength, support and journey towards coming out of the depression. Let me know if i can help in some way (maybe some cool makeup or snacks from Asia to remind you of cool things all over the world?) Hugs to you dear.

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  30. I hope I will never feel the way did. Sending you hugs and love! You know you can always talk to me if you feel like!
    Also... Elle your personal story is precious, for me it's better always better than your perfect makeup reviews! I love how sincere you are! Thank you for that post! that's such a brave thing to do!

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  31. Dear Elle, publishing this post doesn't mean you are weak, on the contrary! Yes, depression has a stigma, but nothing that you mention is little, to people who have that (they messed up my order and it ruined my day). One of these days I posted a quote saying that before someone judges a fellow (and no one should judge anyone), they should try to put themselves in their shoes. Seldom it is done. I always knew you as a strong girl, for so many years. And I still think you are strong. And that you will win, for sure! You will figure out how to do this and that, but give time to yourself. You don't have to feel overjoyful in a minute, you will build it gradually. I always tell you, I know you have many friend, but if you ever want to talk to someone else, please count on me, sincerely. Blogs are great, we learn a lot, but we are people behind them, and so, if you ever need, count on me!
    DenisesPlanet.com

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  32. Depression is an ailment, not a choice. Thus, it can't be shameful. Feel free (and bold) to talk about your condition whenever doing so helps you. Your friends want to help, as shown by the love expressed here.

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  33. I don't think being open makes you a Debbie Downer. Nor does it make you weak. Getting through these episodes takes a whole heck of a lot out of a person. It takes strength to get through it. To go through it. It's not easy. I've fallen behind too. Each day is a fight. But you're never fighting alone. <3

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  34. Elle! This is such a brave post! I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with depression but you will beat it!! you are such a strong wonderful person and I hope you never forget that. sending you lots of love and support. xoxo

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  35. I hope that just by sharing this you're feeling better, taking it day by day and I know you will come out on top of it. It's important to see all aspects of life, even the things others don't want to and someone somewhere is reading this that needs to hear it as well. Heart you, girly and glad to hear you're doing better!

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  36. You will win this! For sure! Talking about it helps so this is a great step!

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  37. Oh Elle, I'm so sorry you went through this and you struggled. Depression lies. People probably did notice something was off with you and it's not that they didn't care, it's that they didn't know how to talk about it or how to approach it with you. When I see a blogger blogging less it's not my place to pry or ask why. AS you can see from the outpouring of love in the comments on this post, people do care.

    I'm so happy you are starting to feel better and you're beating it, and I'm so sorry you felt you couldn't or shouldn't share. It's your blog, your story, your struggles, and you and you alone get to decide how much or how little you share with the world.

    You are doing an amazing job, keep doing it, look at everyone here to support you to beat depression.

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  38. It's good that you speak up what's happening to you! I believe this way you can be healed faster. I was in a deep hole last year. Thankfully my husband understood and tried everything to get me out of there - that's the reason we moved to GA. And yes: I noticed that you didn't respond to my messages. But it's ok! Don't feel obligated. But if you ever feel like meeting with me, I'm here for you- probably 30 minutes from where you live! Don't feel pressured, it's all good. But know that I hear you and feel you! Much love! Sissi

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  39. I'm glad that you wrote this. I finally asked my gastroenterologist for a referral to a psychiatrist. I don't know if I'm clinically depressed, dealing with anxiety, or just some combination of being unable to handle both my grief and my Crohn's. I just know that I haven't been myself in a long time.

    I also know what you mean about not wanting to use the word "depressed" or "depression" lightly. I avoided it for a long time because I didn't want to equate grief with depression. But I've been struggling so hard for so long, and if anything I'm getting worse, not better. My mom dying might have triggered it for me, but the fact that my cognitive abilities are still so lessened from normal means that this is more than grief.

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  40. The first step is being able to admit it to yourself and also being able to be candid about it. There is NO shame in having depression, in fact, I would say the majority of us go through it in one form or another - myself included. And like you, I slipped into one after a series of events that just left me so deflated and left me in so much inner pain but from the outside, I still "had it together". I'm glad you're on the mend and I think going forward, you'll be able to identify the triggers more quickly so you don't slide back down. I know we only talk via comments/etc but I'm sending you lots of love from Singapore. xx

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  41. Good for you for posting this. I'm glad you did, because there IS a stigma and there shouldn't be. I do believe that more people being open about mental illness will help others in the long run. I'm glad that you are starting to feel better. I have anxiety and depression - I take medicine every day - and it works for me. I'm fine more often than not, but sometimes I have bad days and bad moments. It happens but we push through.

    -Lauren

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  42. Wow. This really resonated with me:

    "I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want to appear weak. I didn't want to even admit I had it. I didn't want anyone to worry. I've always been the strong one, the one people rely on. That means I couldn't possibly be depressed, right?"

    First and foremost, I am so happy for you that you are getting through this, and that you are finally feeling okay enough to say you were depressed and are working through it. That alone is HUGE. I am really proud of you for posting this, for sharing your story with your readers. A lot of us can relate and it makes people feel less alone, but also because it gives us a chance to express how much we care about you and are thinking of you.

    I wish you nothing but the absolute best and please continue to be proud of your progress. Even if you have times where you take a few steps back, the goal is to keep taking steps and not beat yourself up. I think the world of you and send you genuine love and prayers. Take care of yourself, sweet lady!

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  43. I'm so sorry you've been going through this, Elle, but I'm glad you wrote this post. So many feel like this and feel like they have nowhere to turn. There's a huge chance that you helped many people by writing this and don't even know it. I hope you keep on feeling more like yourself each and every day.

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  44. I love you for this post! I'm really sorry you're going through it, but I'm glad you could talk about it. And the friend that said not to be a Debbie Downer? Not ok. We have to talk about mental health so that stigma goes away!

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